self castigation II
Today was a lonely day. I spent an hour in bukit timah market drinkin tiger beer and smoking. Watching the world go by. On the bus home, I scroll through my phone book and I realize I had not a single soul to message. Nothing. No one.
But that might not be a bad thing now, would it? Ive always been too emotionally attached to friends.
But there is no longer anyone constant in my life.
The only constant there was, who I could emotionally connect with, has been torn apart from me. Souls once conjoined were forcefully split from within, and now we are trying to repair the damage. A broken bowl can never be fully mended – we are both working overtime to prove that adage wrong. But as you know, tis a long journey yet, my friend.
The only current constant now is one whom I know will be there for me, to share the joy and despondence, but whom I cannot connect emotionally with.
My best friend is one whom I know not how much I can count on; there are a multitude of external and internal issues we have to deal with; including me sucking the love and life out of her already jaded soul. One whom im not sure I could still provide happiness for, but one whose life is inextricably intertwined with mine, at least for the next year. not that im complaining, just that the future looks bleak. and i hope we will survive. i do.
Of course, there is my darling gf. Always the supportive one, the quiet and appreciative observer. A laconic gratifier, who makes me feel needed and wanted. But that’s not enough is it? One can never be complete with just his/her significant other and no one else in the world. That is a sad pit which I don’t want either of us to fall into.
Some I just cannot award happiness to any longer, and my only worth as a person, since im so emotionally draining, is to offer happiness as barter. I do not know why I had ended up like this, so wayward and confused. I am such a flawed person I do not think I deserve the status I am given.
Many people tell me I have everything going for me. Let me negate all your praises and compliments, based on one fatal flaw – my personality. I am a spirit soaked in negativity, who thrives in hate and violence. I realize it's the iconoclasm inherent in my nature. it's much easier for me to think of and define things with negative imperatives. i also find definitions like that much more open and interesting. it's not prescriptive of what qualifies as good, so much as drawing limits beyond which is the bad. Analytically it may be sound, or at least I think so, but doesn’t it reveal a more sinister mindset underneath the veneer?
The heart is, amongst other things, an internal object, a thing which through its qualities satisfies human needs of an emotional kind. The heart’s feelings and desires only becomes love because they are the product of the writing of private individuals who feel independently of each other. The sum total of the sentiment of private individuals form the average method of demonstrating love of a given society. So why do I demonstrate my love in such a perverted, twisted and socially unacceptable way? Of course its easy for me to proclaim to be an iconoclast; I transcend social norms, that I am “the unknown variable of an indeterminate equation”, as I used to say, but after all the romanticism, beneath all the dust, I am simply a dick with no direction or sense of place and belonging.
Im so sorry to all whom my love has fallen short of what has been expected. Or to put it crudely, im sorry for being such a dick. I just feel ive lost my ability to love, to care, since that love and care carries concommitant feelings of jealousy, over-protectiveness and paranoia in its wake.
But that might not be a bad thing now, would it? Ive always been too emotionally attached to friends.
But there is no longer anyone constant in my life.
The only constant there was, who I could emotionally connect with, has been torn apart from me. Souls once conjoined were forcefully split from within, and now we are trying to repair the damage. A broken bowl can never be fully mended – we are both working overtime to prove that adage wrong. But as you know, tis a long journey yet, my friend.
The only current constant now is one whom I know will be there for me, to share the joy and despondence, but whom I cannot connect emotionally with.
My best friend is one whom I know not how much I can count on; there are a multitude of external and internal issues we have to deal with; including me sucking the love and life out of her already jaded soul. One whom im not sure I could still provide happiness for, but one whose life is inextricably intertwined with mine, at least for the next year. not that im complaining, just that the future looks bleak. and i hope we will survive. i do.
Of course, there is my darling gf. Always the supportive one, the quiet and appreciative observer. A laconic gratifier, who makes me feel needed and wanted. But that’s not enough is it? One can never be complete with just his/her significant other and no one else in the world. That is a sad pit which I don’t want either of us to fall into.
Some I just cannot award happiness to any longer, and my only worth as a person, since im so emotionally draining, is to offer happiness as barter. I do not know why I had ended up like this, so wayward and confused. I am such a flawed person I do not think I deserve the status I am given.
Many people tell me I have everything going for me. Let me negate all your praises and compliments, based on one fatal flaw – my personality. I am a spirit soaked in negativity, who thrives in hate and violence. I realize it's the iconoclasm inherent in my nature. it's much easier for me to think of and define things with negative imperatives. i also find definitions like that much more open and interesting. it's not prescriptive of what qualifies as good, so much as drawing limits beyond which is the bad. Analytically it may be sound, or at least I think so, but doesn’t it reveal a more sinister mindset underneath the veneer?
The heart is, amongst other things, an internal object, a thing which through its qualities satisfies human needs of an emotional kind. The heart’s feelings and desires only becomes love because they are the product of the writing of private individuals who feel independently of each other. The sum total of the sentiment of private individuals form the average method of demonstrating love of a given society. So why do I demonstrate my love in such a perverted, twisted and socially unacceptable way? Of course its easy for me to proclaim to be an iconoclast; I transcend social norms, that I am “the unknown variable of an indeterminate equation”, as I used to say, but after all the romanticism, beneath all the dust, I am simply a dick with no direction or sense of place and belonging.
Im so sorry to all whom my love has fallen short of what has been expected. Or to put it crudely, im sorry for being such a dick. I just feel ive lost my ability to love, to care, since that love and care carries concommitant feelings of jealousy, over-protectiveness and paranoia in its wake.
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